The Ai-owl-lo Nest

My name is Ashley and I fall into the most dreaded club there ever was. The club that has lost a child...two children now. Two very loved, desperately wanted children that I could fit into our lives like a glove. I dreamed of the feel of their little hands, the smell of their skin, and the love that I would share with them. All of this was not meant to be.

I had such hope for our little family. After having a heart wrenching and painful miscarriage back in July at 10 weeks with "Baby D," we were over the MOON to be pregnant again just a month later! And a little shocked. After a day at the water park, I felt off and nauseous. I took a test on a whim and it was positive!!! I could not believe it! I immediately jumped into Chris's arms. That day was one of the best days of my life because I felt such promise. I showered from the water park and rubbed my belly to touch the life that grew inside me. I thanked God for giving me another chance at this and just knew what happened to Baby D was a cruel joke and "bad luck," as the doctors said. The days crawled by until our scheduled 6 week ultrasound. I was immediately put on Progesterone twice a day, which along with normal pregnancy symptoms, had me in a constant fog. I was constantly nauseous, had no appetite all day, my skin was a wreck, and all food made me gag. I felt like a bad Mom, Wife, friend, and shop owner since I just could not seem to get it together. It would all be worth it though, right? To hold sweet "Baby Owl" in April. I felt like a poked pig going in time after time to get blood draws to check my HCG and Progesterone. It was all worth it though, right? Finally, it was the day of our ultrasound!! I was soooo nervous...especially since I would be in the same room we found out we had lost our last baby!! I had such positive symptoms, but was it too early? The doctor started the ultrasound and I could immediately see a sweet little baby moving with that beautiful little flicker!! Life was growing inside me...again!! A little person with a heartbeat and a future. I was soooo relieved that I hugged my doctor...thank God!! I left overjoyed and went to get the potato chips I was craving and to light a candle at Church for sheer thanks to God.

I had a follow up 8 week ultrasound scheduled for this Thursday. Not because I needed it, but because it was just an ultrasound that the office liked to have on file. The days crawled by up until this ultrasound. I wanted to just stop time and fly to 12 weeks. The "safe zone." I tried to calm myself for the baby and knew I was being silly. I just saw the baby two weeks ago...what could be wrong? I was so excited to see the baby's growth. We got to the office with Arden in tow. She was so excited to see the baby she called "Baby Owl!" Her future baby brother or sister. The tech gooped up my belly and from the first wave of her wand, I knew. There was no baby. But how?? I had no bleeding!!! She did an internal exam to confirm what I already knew. As I lay down again the room was spinning and my heart was beating out of my chest. How could this be happening AGAIN??? I replayed everything I had done right and tried not to blame myself. This was not real. No no no!! This was my gift to be and I was not going to fall into the 3%. The tech confirmed that the baby had passed 3 days after we had our last appointment. I looked to the side and saw Chris just shaking. I tried to hold it together for Arden. I was carrying our sweet angel inside me for 2 weeks. I has touched my belly and telepathically talked to my little child for two weeks. How could I have not known?? I was so infuriated that this was happening to me....again. I had such a perfect pregnancy with Arden that had not a hiccup. It was so hard to tell Arden what had happened. We told her that the baby went bye bye. "Bye bye like baby D," she said. "Yes, sweetie." Tears poured. I wanted a sibling for her more than anything in the world and I felt like I had failed her. Did she think I did it, I thought? I waited for the doctor that was in the office to come in and tell me what I already heard two months ago. Blah blah blah blah blah. These are your options. "I already know my options." I was so curt. It was not his fault, but I already knew I did not really have an option. I did not want to go through what I did last time, so a D&C was the only way to go. I had to wait to see if I could get scheduled the next day. I did not want to go through the weekend to delay the inevitable. I waited for the nurse to call all day. Finally, she did and I was scheduled in the afternoon the next day. Thank God that my doctor was able to fit me in. That whole day I could barely eat. I was shaking in fear for the next day. I had had plenty of previous surgeries, but I have so much to lose now. I have the most amazing family and friends and Chris and Arden are my world. Suck it up, you will be fine, I say. I woke up in the middle of the night just drenched in sweat not knowing if it was from fear or dropping hormones.

I had to force myself to eat very early the next morning. It was going to be a long day without eating, but I really had no appetite. The day dragged by and all of the painting and play doh playing could not make it go faster. We finally left for the hospital after dropping Arden off at my Mom's. I broke down in the car with Chris and ugly cried. "I should not be coming here for this!" I could vividly remember pulling up in that parking lot two years ago anxiously awaiting the arrival of our sweet Arden. And now I was here to say goodbye. This is not FAIR!!! Chris, always saying the right thing, put me at ease. I walked in, got checked in, and waited for my nurse. She shared her miscarriage experience with me. I guess I wasn't such a freak after all. I of course, cried some more and put on the gown and got hooked up to an IV. My doctor came in and was so soft and gentle. The same doctor I have been going to since I was 18 and that I just hugged two weeks ago in happiness. I knew he felt so bad for me, but it could not bring back the baby that we had lost. I went back to the OR. The same OR that I gave birth to Arden in. What a cruel joke. I lost it. I saw the same little tubs that they put the sweet newborn babies in and I just could not stop crying. I was supposed to be in this room in April to give birth to our sweet new little baby that was taken away from us. The nurse and the anesthesiologist were so kind and talked to me until I fell asleep. I happily woke up to Chris and wanted to get out of the hospital as soon as I could. That was yesterday. And today is today. Another day in my journey. I know it could be worse. I am immensely thankful for so many things in my life. I am not writing this for pity or even my own closure really. I am writing this for all of the beautiful women and men that have and will go through this. You are not alone and you are not just a statistic. You are brave and your baby felt your love...no matter how long they were with you. This is for you. Miscarriage is not a disease...you cannot catch it. I always told Chris that I want my journey in life to make me one "bad ass Grandma." My journey is not over. I am confident that I will find my rainbow someday. I just have to put on my raincoat and carry my umbrella until the clouds begin to fade.

Arden will be one year old a week from today! Where has the time gone?! I have been feeling a little nostalgic and have been looking through old photos. This was Arden and I a year ago today.

What a difference a year makes!! I cannot imagine my life without this little squirt. Every morning after feeding her, she peers over the bed and looks for puppy and gives Lola the biggest grin. She is her best friend and she loves to play with her. She loves barking like Lola, roaring like a lion, hooting like an owl, quacking like a duck, mooing like a cow, ba-ing like a sheep, and meowing like a kitty. She raises her arms and says that she is "so big" when she is asked how big she is. She knows and says her name and she loves to clap and dance to music. She LOVES guacamole, blueberries, pickles, pineapple, bananas, cheese, crackers, peas, and beans. She knows what cheese is and if you mention it, you better be willing to give some to her or she will follow you. She loves taking everything in and watching people. If we are out and she sees another kiddo, she will point and squawk until she gets their attention. She has such a big, warm heart. She will crawl over to me and lay her head down on my shoulder and say "ahhh." My heart feels so full when she hugs me or gives me her slobbery little kisses.

As I prepare for her Birthday, I found myself a little somber that she is not that little tiny baby, but so hopeful about what her future has in store. She is so bright, energetic, sassy, curious, and fearless. She helps me be those things too. I am excited to see the little lady she will grow into!